What is Love Addiction?
According to Pia Mellody, Love Addiction has specific characteristics that differentiate it from Codependency. These characteristics include Love Addicts “assigning a disproportionate amount of time, attention and value above themselves to the person they are addicted.” Love Addicts have unrealistic expectations for the other person in the relationship. Love Addicts “neglect to care for or value themselves while they are in the relationship.”
These patterns of relating to a partner can lead to an out of balance relationship. Putting pressure on your partner to meet all of your needs can be overwhelming for the partner. It is common for Love Addicts to partner with Love Avoidant individuals. Love Avoidant individuals commonly turn away from the Love Addict when the pressure or needs become too great. Love Addicts can become overwhelmed by anxiety and fear of abandonment and intimacy.
According to Pia Mellody, “These two fears of abandonment and intimacy bring up the agonizing and self-defeating dilemma of the Love Addict. Love Addicts consciously want intimacy but can’t tolerate healthy closeness, so they must unconsciously choose a partner who cannot be intimate in a healthy way.” This pattern of relating creates a tug of war between the partners. It is common for Love Addicted individuals to give so much of themselves in their search for love that is causing them to feel empty and exhausted in return.
For the Love Addict, some of these patterns stem from a family of origin history where they were abandoned, neglected or had emotionally unavailable parents. They did not have the appropriate level of bonding with their caregivers to develop secure attachment. This leads to individuals feeling unworthy of love and fearful of being left. Love Addicts put up with a lot of unhealthy aspects in their primary relationships due to their fear of being abandoned.
The consequences of abandonment and neglect on a child have long-lasting negative effects. It is common for adults who grew up in an abandoned and neglected childhood to have moderate to severe trauma levels. This trauma shows up in a variety of ways. Most commonly are symptoms of low self-worth, addiction history in one or multiple 12-step programs, mental health diagnosis that often warrants medication, and a host of feelings that have been repressed throughout their childhood and adulthood. This type of family history triggers feelings of fear, pain, sadness, anger, resentment, and emptiness. Often it is these feelings that are self- medicated with food, substances, spending, and sex.
Healing from Love Addiction often starts by beginning to see a therapist on a regular basis, attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) 12-step meetings, getting a sponsor and beginning SLAA 12-step work. Getting help from a sponsor to identify their bottom lines behaviors helps the Love Addict identify the behaviors they no longer want to participate in. Bottom lines are how Love Addicts establish their sobriety date. This is the beginning process of recovery for Love Addicts. Often support from other members in SLAA, a sponsor and therapist can provide the support necessary to begin to increase their self worth, self-compassion and kindness to themselves. Recovery for the Love Addict is a process and not an event, but it can be done with enough support, healthy resources and direction.
Anne Grisham-Pleas LMHC, SUDP. I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Substance Use Disorder Professional in private practice. I earned my Bachelor of Arts Degree in Psychology and my Certificate in Addiction Studies from Seattle University in 1991. I earned my Master’s Degree in Counseling from Seattle University in 1998. I am a Nationally Certified Master Addiction Counselor. I have worked in private practice, chemical dependency and mental health agencies for 31 years.
