Perfectionism Traits

Can you relate to black and white thinking patterns? Do you have an unrelenting inner critic that is hard on you for the slightest mistake? Do you feel like a failure for resting and doing self-care versus pushing and striving to meet a goal? If this sounds familiar then you may be experiencing perfectionism.

Perfectionism is often an outcome of family systems where parents were unavailable and where individuals had to strive to get their physical and emotional needs met by their parents. This is common in families where there is substance use disorder, mental health issues, patterns of codependency and domestic violence relationships.

Being raised by emotionally unavailable parents leaves children feeling unloved, unworthy and unimportant. Children raised in this kind of family system learn how to get the attention they need from their parents, which can unintentionally lead to perfectionism later in life. This can look like a child getting positive attention for excelling in getting good grades, doing well in sports, in debate and drama club. This can lead to a pattern of seeking praise and attention.

Being raised by emotionally unavailable parents also affects children by them learning to look outside of the family for their self-worth. This puts children in risky situations that can have an increased risk for negative consequences. Over time it is common for children to connect their achieving and accomplishing goals as the source of their worth. This becomes hard-wired into their nervous system and can then become part of their whole life strategy at maintaining their worth and getting their need for attention met.

Some ways perfectionism shows up as an adult is having an inner critic that can be berating, defeating and negative. This can be a very stressful aspect of an individual’s inner life. Living in the black and white cognitive dissonance is a hallmark symptom of perfectionism. This commonly applies to work hours, project completion, exercise, body image and pushing themselves for praise and attention from an employer or romantic partner.

Recovery from perfectionism is a slow, gradual process. This involves moving from black and white thinking to some middle zone of “its good enough.” Self-compassion, self-care and being kind to oneself is essential in this healing process. Learning positive self-talk by using positive affirmations supports the individual to feel good about themselves, their progress and to learn to accept this new way of living.

Anne Grisham-Pleas LMHC, SUDP. I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Substance Use Disorder Professional. I earned my Bachelor of Arts Degree in Psychology and my Certificate in Addiction Studies from Seattle University in 1991. I earned my Master’s Degree in Counseling from Seattle University in 1998. I am a Certified Trauma Counselor and an EMDR therapist. I have worked in private practice, substance use disorder and mental health agencies for 33 years.