Self-Care and Boundaries
Do you say yes when meaning to say no? Do you know what gets in the way of saying no? Some people say yes to avoid perceived conflict. At times people have negative communication patterns in their family system. Remembering negative consequences when saying no as a child or adult can be triggering and anxiety producing.
Common themes of saying yes instead of no include wanting to be liked, not wanting to hurt people’s feelings, family history of being polite and helpful and fearing rejection. People pleasing and wanting to belong is also a part of people saying yes when they want to say no. Many individuals do not have the skills to follow their instincts and speak their truth.
Conformity can also be a factor. This is often unconscious and at times people’s behavior leans into the socially accepted behavior of those closest to them. Speaking your truth is a big step for some individuals. It often causes a rise in anxiety just thinking about it. It is a process of learning what you want, how to state this, pausing long enough to think and feel your emotions.
Letting go of unhealthy communication allows people to embrace their personal power, which can build confidence and increasing self worth. Feeling empowered to take care of yourself includes taking the time to identify what is important to you. Once individuals identify what is important to them, it is easier to have consistency in maintaining boundaries.
Maintaining clear boundaries decreases anxiety and allows individuals to speak their truth. Giving your self the time to think, pause and process the request made is part of self-care. Putting your needs at the top of the list is also a form of self-care. Making a request of the individual who wants something from you to call them back within 24-48 hours, to think about their request without saying yes are both big wins. This allows the individual to assess if this is something they want to do, have the time to do, can afford to do and to consider any negative effects on their time, family, health and wellness.
Skill building with saying no takes practice and can be started with daily encounters with people in our lives. This can be using our voice to send back an undercooked steak to the kitchen of a restaurant, to clarify a bill with a provider or insurance company, to ask questions to get clarity and not remain in vagueness. Practicing on a daily and weekly basis increases our skill and allows that practice to work for us when we need it. Also, practicing making requests of people in our lives grows this skill as well. Requests can be simple things like requesting a friend to be available for a phone call, to request the time be adjusted for a commitment so it will better work for you, to request getting together with someone at a different time than currently scheduled.
Accomplishing these skills allows individuals to feel capable and confident, to take better care of themselves by trusting their instincts and to say no when that is in their best interest.
Anne Grisham-Pleas LMHC, CDP, MAC I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Chemical Dependency Professional in private practice in Seattle. I earned my Bachelor of Arts Degree in Psychology and my Certificate in Addiction Studies from Seattle University in 1991. I earned my Master's Degree in Counseling from Seattle University in 1998. I am a Nationally Certified Master Addiction Counselor. I am also an EMDR therapist. I have worked in private practice, chemical dependency, and mental health agencies for 27 years.
